“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“It shall be called the Super Bowl and will be a huge national event played deep into the night on Sunday when everyone must go into work on Monday.”
“Why not play it on Saturday?”
“Nobody knows.”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.