“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense