ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?