OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
That eye roll….
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way