OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh