OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
181.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver