Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

technically true but not a great slogan

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.