Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
A small tragedy.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen