Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

584.

I triple waxed for this?

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.