Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.