Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

ㅤ

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.