Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.