Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them