Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.