OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Xylophonist Shredding It
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
A classic…
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”