Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

shakira sharkira

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.