Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
