Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
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“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Cndnsd Mlk
They’re called werewolves.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.