Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
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i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda