Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
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The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.