Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane