Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

i want to work in this restaurant

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.