Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
worst…sale…ever
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying