I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
“ok start it up”
“give it some gas”
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.