Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?