Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.