Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes