Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
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(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis