Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

I lost a peanut butter m&m in my bed and now I’m afraid about where I’m gonna find it

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work