Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Passwords are more important than ever.

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

mom had nothing to worry about

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn