OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
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I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal