OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
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i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
finally found a reasonable question
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
they split up moments later
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.