OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Happy weekend !
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers