Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

The first matador

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health