OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
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[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.