OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
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You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.