ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.