ok this is my dumbest yet
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*aggressively waits in line*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
We like the way Dwight thinks
