ok this is my dumbest yet
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I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Hitlers gonna hitl
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Well, this explains it:
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama