ok this is my dumbest yet
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans