ok this is my dumbest yet
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9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.