ok this is my dumbest yet
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.