Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

Peter Parker Peter Driver

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.