Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.