Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
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I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?