Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
You Might Also Like
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.