Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions