Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.