Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.