Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”