“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
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Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.