Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

Feels

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Try and stop me.

Just me and my debit card against the world

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

i love dating profiles that are like..

Tooth 32
4 Miles Away

About me:
my name isn’t tooth, i don’t know how to change it