“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.