“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
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i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
S/o to @funTweeters .
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim