ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My fantasy football season is going great
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser