ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
You Might Also Like
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Windchimes
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Your honor these allegations are
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow