ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Children of the Corn Man
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.