Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
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there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun