Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The Onion called it…again.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
The honesty is refreshing
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’