Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
🛁
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Had to try this trend 😊
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”