Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
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Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
where do you see yourself in five years?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.