Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
