Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
You Might Also Like
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.