Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month đ
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! Itâs Febreze. I just took a dump.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean âBanzaiâ?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I donât believe that lie about myself
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Someone with the profile description âIâm a human workerâ just followed meâŚ
Not today Satan.
Not today.
AlcoholâŚBecause sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said Iâm a special person who cares deeply about some things & Iâm freaking âcause thatâs SO me
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Wife: Iâve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasnât made one in weeks. I think weâre going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry Iâm plate
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I donât think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Donât move you son of a-
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
If youâre about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brbâd.
[1st date]
Youâre gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for âcry orbs with layersâ): how the hell do you forget the word âonionâ
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My mom didnât respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an âI brake for butterfliesâ bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?