Ok who’s got my black socks?
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I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?