Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA