ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
selfie game
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.