Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

making my dog give me my pills

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…