Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

Ape together strong

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?