ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Left at a local drug store…
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.