ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
